Maafkan wahai teman...

I thank Allah for all I had, am having and will have in life, for He knows what is best for me.

November last year, my manager approached me asking whether I am ready to take another new role. Well, I was hoping to get some salary increment and band movement. So yes, I accepted the offer, and was sent to Okinawa Japan to learn the new stuffs. 2 weeks being away from family and friends, I never thought that it would change my worklife...

During the initial phase, there were around 35 contracts to be managed by me alone. Well, I am the ELA Contract Manager. That's what I do. I manage contracts to ensure approvals are in place, relevant info validated before signing, contracts are countersigned, orders are loaded, and revenue is booked, on time. I have a team, Nina handling China, HongKong and Korea (37 contracts), Natsuko and Miyuki handling Japan (25 contracts each), and me having 35 contracts covering 5 ASEAN countries and Australia/New Zealand.

The first 2 months were quite hectic to me. Updating stuffs into the database and on-hand learning PPA without a mentor (well, this is a newly created role). I began to work on Saturdays and Sundays. But that was still OK. I still enjoyed doing work.

And then came March. More contracts came in. From 35, it grew into 57 contracts. Fine. Its a challenge for me. But it kept increasing. From 57, it finally reached 100 in June. And I realized I was no longer the normal me. I spent almost every minute in office doing work. From 8am until 12am almost everyday (including Saturday and Sunday). I had no time to borak2 and gelak2. I didn't have time to meet people. I no longer can control my stress management. Aku takleh tido mlm2, dok pikir kerja lom siap. And I finally had panda eyes! [Aku rasa kalau aku lepak2 ngan keluarga panda, mesti anak2 panda kompius antara aku ngan ibu panda. Dengan saiz yg sama dan lebam bawah mata yang lebih kurang, agak sukar untuk membezakan kami berdua].

Org gila pun tak kerja segila aku. Setiap public holiday aku keje, setiap weekend aku keje. Annual leave pun aku belum sentuh. [As of today, I have 32 time-off days as replacement for working on weekend/public holidays sebab aku tak entitled utk OT). Aku takde back-up. Kalau ada pun, aku rasa back-up aku pun dah resign. Kalau aku dibayar OT, I might be RM12K richer (itu baru kira OT weekend, kalo tambah weekday yg kerja extra hours dari 5pm until 12 midnight, dah boleh buat downpayment Scirocco). Oh ye, since aku buat keje baru, memang gaji aku tak naik2 pun. Even I myself kagum dengan diri sendiri sebab aku boleh bersabar lama...

One day, I cracked under pressure. I went into the office, and suddenly I felt blank *sambil nyanyi lagu "Kosong" Najwa Latip*. Bukak Thinkpad, baca email and thats it. Aku rasa otak aku mogok. I couldn't think of what I need to do next. Then aku tengok To-Do-List notebook aku. The list is long. And suddenly aku nangis tak semena2. Lepas nangis, aku sambung baca email. And aku nangis lagi. I think my brain and body couldn't take it any longer. Too much depression, stress and anxiety. Apa pun aku buat, aku nangis.

Since aku tak tau nak buat apa, so aku mintak kat manager nak pi klinik. Dapat MC 2 hari dan anti-depression pill. Dr paksa makan pil tu kat situ jugak. Fine. Aku telan je lah. Then aku balik opis and sambung kerja (that's how crazy I was). The pill works well on me. Aku x guna pun MC tu sebab I felt much better lepas tu. Better aku sambung keje (bukan ada orang nak tolong buatkan pun)...

The next week, it happened again. I lost focus. I went blank again. And it was quarter end closing - the June madness. I went to another clinic, and this time, telling the condition I went thru, the Doctor asked me to get rest, and forget about work. She gave me 4-days MC. Dan sepapan anti-depressant pills. Well this time I became more obedient. I didn't logon to office emails on Tuesday and Thursday, but work crazily again on Wednesday and Friday. I am too afraid of being underperformed. And for slacking off at office. That's just not me.

In early July, I had another panic attack. And all I did was just crying. I know I need to fix myself, my body and my brain. I went to specialist, but the nearest appointment date I can make with the psychiatrist is another 2 weeks. Then I went to Klinik Psikiatri dan Kesihatan Mental, Hospital Kuala Lumpur. Still the same story, the available date for appoitnment would be in 2 weeks time. Tetiba air mata mengalir kat depan kaunter pendaftaran. And I couldn't stop crying. I just cried. Mamat2 kat kaunter tu plak panik. Isykkk pompuan ni. Dah pakai cun2 cam pompuan korporat, nangis pulak kat sini. My sis berdrama, "Adik, tolonglah kami dik. Adik akak ni, asyik nangis dah 3-4 hari camni. Langsung takleh tanya, bukak mulut je dia nangis". Dan atas ihsan mamat tu, aku dapat jumpa Dr Dirahsiakan Namanya.

Syukur alhamdulillah. Lepas pertemuan tu, hati aku tenang sket. Dr Dirahsiakan Namanya keluarkan satu surat utk management put into consideration my work volume yang dah 3 kali ganda dari ECM2 lain. I sent the letter to my manager in Spain. And I drafted a resignation letter.

And then Dato' suruh jumpa dia. Dato' ajak aku join dia. Jadik protege dia. People in the industry is seeing him as the only penggerak utama syarikat. He wants to have someone shadowing him. And he said he saw some potentials in me. He offered me good salary. Tapi aku kena pindah Nilai sebab opis and kilang semua kat sana. Dia akan kasik elaun rumah sewa. Pergi and balik, driver company akan datang and hantar balik. Too good to be true, kan?

And I was about to pass my resignation letter. My manager handed me the salary review form. Syukur Alhamdulillah. Less than what Dato' has offered, but at least it made me feel grateful. So I had discussion with kakak dan adik2.

And later that day, I received a call from my manager in Spain, telling me 40 of my accounts will be distributed between Nina, Natsuko and Lubomir Meciar. Syukur Alhamdulillah!

And I guess you know what my decision is.

Oh ya. Aku nak minta maaf pada kawan2 yang aku tolak setiap pelawaan untuk bertemu, berbual, beramas mesra dan bermakan, sebab komitmen gila aku pada kerja. InsyaAllah, aku akan cuba lapangkan diri aku lepas aku hand-over accounts2 tu nanti.

P/S: Walaupun aku menerima rawatan di Klinik PSikiatri dan Kesihatan Mental, aku bukanlah seorang pesakit mental. There is no mental diagnosis. Dr refering me as having stress and anxiety. Manalah tau, kot2 lepas ni saham aku jatuh merudum macam FGVH pulak...