Kehilangan Yang Mengusik Jiwa

Ada perasaan kacau bilau lately. Aku cuba sedaya upaya solat di awal waktu & baca Quran, namun dalam hati masih punya kegusaran. Hati tidak tenang.

I believe it started when I got to know that a man I always chat with, about 10 years back, was bashed with a hammer to death. Shah Saemin, he had been more like a big brother to me, rather than simply a chat friend. We shared many things: life, dreams, hobbies.

He was in Australia eversince I knew him. He was a hospital attendant during my early years of being his friend. I adore him because he spoke good English (yeah... he called me a few times from Melbourne). He married a perempuan mat salleh and divorced her later.

He always told me how much he love and miss his family. He made a plan to see me when he came back to Malaysia, but we didn't make it. I forgot what has happened, tapi Allah dah tentukan we would never meet.

He always said he love his house in Melaka, and wanted to invite me to know his beloved family. And when TV3 shows the house in Buletin Utama, I couldn't help myself from crying. No, don't get me wrong. There's no LOVE between us. He always called me adik Lisa. If you know me well, you would understand how people simply love me.

He sent me birthday cards. He sent me postcards. He always made himself available for me, whenever I have stories (or even problems) to share with him. I myself felt comfortable sharing with him, for I never had a big brother in my life.

And then, I decided to be someone's wife. He was happy that finally I found my love. But, I asked him to never contact me again, as a respect to someone called Husband. And he did exactly what I wanted. And I never logged on until I lost my husband to cancer.

He saw my YM status. He contacted me again. But I've been very selfish... I've never replied to any of his offline messages.

Until last week. I was reading Harian Metro online, when I came across a very familar name. "MELBOURNE: Seorang lelaki warga Sydney berusia 55 tahun menghadapi pertuduhan memukul hingga mati pemandu di pejabat Konsul Malaysia, Mohd Shah Saemin, di Leichardt, pinggir bandar Sydney, Ahad lalu."

Jantung berdegup kencang. Airmata panas mengalir di pipi. I have ignored him, and now knowing I would never have the chance to meet him, hatiku menjadi sayu...

Hanya ku panjatkan doa mengiringi pemergiannya. Semoga Allahyarham Mohd Shah Saemin diampunkan dosanya dan ditempatkan di kalangan mereka yang beriman.

Thank you abang Shah for being a nice friend to me...

And this explained why I've been extra sensitive these few days.